Back in July 2012 I became single and I vowed that my singledom was going to last for a year. I've never been single before and that's both a blessing and a curse when you write relationship advice as part of your job. How can I truly empathise with the modern dater if I haven't ever dated myself? So I resolved to enter into the dating world with an open heart and mind, to try new things and to abide by the 3-date rule. Kinda like the Brownie Guide Promise but with something more exciting than a sew-on patch to show for it at the end.
What you're about to witness is pulled from my personal Facebook. I've deleted the names of those involved and have resisted the urge to publish undoctored evidence that would reveal the identities of those who have been less than awesome.
There are some pictures, there are some anecdotes and there are a lot of excellent responses from my bloody hilarious friends. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
A summarised year in my life of dating January - December 2013.
|Buff arms - dirt everything else|
30th of January 2013
In case you were worrying about my single lifestyle, don't. I just got an email from an elderly chap letting me know he wanks over my photos. Looks like I'm set. Lol!
Aren't you a lucky girl! X
I've told my grandad to stay away from the computer - sorry!
What a hero.
If i was 90, i would! Haha x
You inviting him out Saturday night?
1st of March 2013
I've just remembered the uncouth tit of a man last night who introduced me to his Dad, told me he's on Made in Chelsea and then reeled off a bunch of reasons I'd be privileged to sleep with him. How do people end up behaving like that?! Anyway, word to the wise as he's just moved to Bath. Massive muppet.
Surely the made in chelsea thing is far worse than the dad thing unless it was to introduce a threesome!, in which case chelsea comes first! Lol
I'll fall back on my standard advice here- set fire to him.
I think it is the other way round! Don't you?! As in it would be a priviledge for him, which he would never have the chance!!! What a complete and utter idiot!!
<Insert successful dating period which culminated in me turning into a total cougar and having a casual fling with a rather sweet 21-year-old man. I however was not so sweet... or particularly sober.>
30th of March 2013
I'm sitting in with a friend at 3am pretending to be a sex doll on Chat Roulette and I receive a love note from one of the local drug takers.
<Insert successful dating period in which I strangely didn't find myself attracted to the gents I dated.>
13th of May 2013
I went out dancing with one of the blondes at a local club. We had a good laugh and met a group of guys who we invited back for more drinks after. I agree they can crash over in the living room. While I'm blowing up a couple of airbeds for them, they start to sexually objectify me. I have a word, they don't stop, I kick the lot of them out. The next morning I discover something has gone missing. I already had full contact details, so I wasn't too stressed. Plus one of them left something behind himself...
If you're going to pinch something from my place you had better make sure that your party have all of their possessions when they leave. Sleepy boy will get his shoes back when my property is returned. Squirm, lads.
Addendum: One of these guys did eventually replace the missing item, although none of us are certain it isn't because he wanted to shag one of the blondes. Only kidding, he was OK. There was also a very public on-knees apology from the thief in the middle of a crowded bar.
24th of May 2013
It was time to get into online dating as it's a black hole in my knowledge. Not many good things came from it...
|Online dating at its finest|
haha guess he isn't a member!
Nice tits Hella, thought I'd just say what he was insinuating without the bullshit. Xx
I did meet a couple of sweet guys using the same app, but alas there was no spark.
15th of June 2013
Woke up to a marriage proposal this morning! Don't go buying any hats though, I'm still not ready to own several toasters, John Lewis bedspreads or Egyptian cotton towel bails.
|The night of June 23rd 2013|
Honey, I don't care if you look like Brad Pitt on a good day, OR what your spiel is. You have a girlfriend and you behaved as you have 2 weeks running. You even tried to justify it! In my eyes you're a grade-A tosser. Kindly jut off in whichever direction you came from!
"Don't I get an invite home?" NO! I'd rather suck Medusa's clit and schlurp the last essence of manhood from Narcissus, but cheers for the offer... douche!
As for the taxi driver who told me he'd dump a girl for going out solo because he's Romanian... you can go jump into the same shit pit as Mini Thor.
Honestly, get a grip guys! We're not going to fawn over you for being pretty, you need to have much more than that going for you. Even then most women with a semblance of self respect are NOT going to suffer your eternal cuntdom.
Yours sincerely, a very sober Hella.
(Nights out are totally better inebriated, because the level of anger at the end is zilch!)
Wow...are you some sort of asshole magnet or something?
Hella: Honestly, I've had a great night. I'm just utterly appalled with the way some of the men I've met behaved. One chap got a sharp slap for grabbing Plum and this asshole is about the worst example of a human being I've ever met! Yes, he's gorgeous... but he has the personality and morals of a dog shit bin. I did meet some nice men and enjoyed dancing, but it tends to be the nights that I stay sober that I regret going out at all and thanks to the behaviour of several men tonight, I'm pretty angry.
Attractive guys who know they're attractive and therefore assume your attracted to their attractiveness is a seriously ugly trait. From a very sober C x
Don't give up there are nice guys (and girls) out there, it's just unfortunate that they're more likely to be home on a Saturday night because they can't stand the blatant meat market that most city centres become and all the arseholes who frequent the 'hipster' bars.
Some guy, grabbed me straight in the lady area last night as he was walking passed, I punched him straight in the kidneys! He then had the cheek to turn around like I was starting on him, I kindly told him to jog the fuck on!
Genuinely dreading my date tomorrow. I'm feeling really blue about the way men seem to be treating women on nights out at the moment.
This past fortnight has seen myself and several of my friends sexually assaulted (on multiple occasions in a single evening by different men), shouted at, sworn at, been degraded for not finding someone attractive and being hit on by married/involved men. I think Plum wins the award for biggest lie with the 'my wife's dead and I can't bear to take the ring off' (when she actually in Leicester).
Whatever seems to have gotten into these guys, I hope it stops soon. The next guy to grab me in an intimate area will be hoisted out to the police station on a sexual assault charge. I'm not putting up with this rubbish any more!
Not all guys are dickheads x (This is from possibly the nicest guy I know. You can't fault his logic)
Blimey, where do you go to meet these 'gems'?? Xx
Become a lesbian x
Don't tarnish everyone with same brush! They aren't all lying shits x
I'm feeling pretty blue tonight too babe. It's not a nice way to be treated and makes me feel like I'm somehow attracting this myself. I'm fairly certain I'm a nice girl, who does deserve to be loved by someone who is nice to me, but right now I feel worthless. I'm avoiding the whole thing for a week or two I think, need some space from it all! (Best friends are best because they go through the worst with you too).
True, there are a lot of complete wankers out there who do not deserve the light of day, but do not loose faith! There are also plenty of genuine, kind hearted men too. I am sure you will find him.
There are a lot of wankers out there I spent 11 years, two terrible relationships and thousands of miles to realise one of my best friends from when I was a teenager is my soul mate. Don't get me wrong, we've had some tough times too but he's made it all worth it and given me the two most beautiful boys I just can't imagine being back on the 'dating scene' must be scary, I agree if you're not looking forward to it cancel x
Hella: Thanks for listening to my shit, there are some days I'd be lost without a mass outlet! There comes a point where you start feeling like it's your fault and you should just give up and stay home, so I'm always grateful for you lot being on the other end of social media to offer kind words and advice. x
Not all guys are dickheads,no. But a large minority of them are and always have been and they make me sick. From the wolf whistlers and horn honkers who want to intimidate ("it's only a bit of fun love give us a smile) and the dicks nudging me with their elbows saying "woooooooor look at the tits on that" to those I've seen openly frightening women on the dance floor right in front of me, sorry guys but grow up its 2013 for fucks sake
25th of June 2013
Date cancelled, drinks with friends, faith restored! 3 friends requests from random blokes who go to (club) ignored. I'm looking forward to a quiet couple of weeks avoiding late-night bars and places without the fabulous chaps I call friends. you long time! xx
(Thanks to the 15 friends who liked this post. I'm sorry it's not as entertaining as the usual fare)
2nd of July 2013
Go out with a really nice guy. Go skating at 2am and come flying off of my longboard. Black eye, suspected fracture to my cheek, elbow, shoulder and wrist. Date patches me up and calls me the next day. I inexplicably don't want to jump his bones.
<Insert awesome camping holiday with 2 of the blondes at Henley Regatta. My dress zip busts while I'm sitting in the Silver Enclosure. Big thanks to my make-up for hiding most of the above sins.>
12th of July 2013
"I find most women really fake and too far up their own asses... Would you like to go out sometime?"
What a guy!
19th of July 2013
Someone actually stopped me in the street to say this:
"Wow, what are the chances that a woman as beautiful as you would actually be interesting as well!"
The only thing that made me interesting was that I was carrying a longboard.
21st of July 2013
Today I'm celebrating one year of being single! It's the first time I've been single for more than a couple of months and the first time I've ever dated!
It has been an amazing and liberating experience, a year off from partnered love has been chicken soup for the soul after 11.5 years of serial monogamy. It definitely pays off to have some 'ME' time if life throws you the opportunity.
Couldn't agree with you more!!
Been single for 9 years. I feel like a nun, but there are days when I wish for love, then others when I'm glad of my situation. Either way, I've learnt that I'm happy. And there's not many people like me.
That is so refreshing sweets!! Fantastic to hear! X
22nd of July 2013
Not strictly dating, but...
Just had a little interview for Men's Health on the subject 'How to Pull a Model'. Needless to say that my experience is mostly on the 'don't do this...' side of the fence.
27th of July 2013
The guy from Made in Chelsea turns up in a different club. He asks me if I watch MIC. I tell him he asked me that last time and I thought he was a twat then too.
9th of August 2013
Let a male friend crash at mine to save him a hefty cab fare. He tries to grope me in bed and although I put him firmly in his place, I inexplicably don't kick him out. He's a total dick to me in the morning.
19th of August 2013
I made the very stupid mistake of sleeping with one of the old flames (because dating was already going so well, it couldn't hurt to make it worse... right?). Hours after he leaves, he texts me a shit-heap of complete neurotic upheaval. I decide to leave it all *well* alone but it was pretty damn upsetting.
On the same night this happened, I also met a random guy who happened to be friends and out with the aforementioned flame. I chatted to him for a bit and he seemed nice enough (mates level) so I gave him my number when he asked for it. Stupid move. In between the old flame leaving and his pages of post-sex neurosis, I post this update:
I've got another one for you!
Girl meets guy in a burger bar queue. Girl and guy talk tattoos for a couple of minutes. Guy asks for girl's phone number, girl gives it to him.
Guy texts 1 hour later :
" Hey loved your tattoos plus your pants* shame we didn't meet before would of loved to get know ya,shame I didn't go home with u zx"
Girl thinks, "Really, dude? I've known you for about 4 minutes." Girl ignores.
Guy continues to send texts and whatsapps. Girl despairs but out of morbid curiosity, facebook searches him.
He's an uber Christian with 'God is good' written all over his timeline.
(*I'd like to add he only saw the side of my knickers as we were talking about tattoo removal and I showed him the progress.)
Please write a book. X
You really score all those winners. I'm so jealous.
You didn't show him that tattoo that says "I like nut cases" did you?
If he's an uber Christian, why is he trying to go home with a girl he only met 4 minutes ago? What happened to no sex before marriage etc?
Maybe he wants to save Hella's soul
It's a shame one can't simply "undo" giving of phone numbers :s
Later on the 20th of August:
23rd of August 2013
Two people who really shouldn't have tried to sleep with me tried to sleep with me this weekend (using actions, not words). I was not happy.
31st of August 2013
Wow! Eventful night if ever there was one. What was with the guy following me around TRYING TO SUCK MY CHEEK in (club)?
September - December
This is fairly brief. After a year of pretty much complete disaster, I backed seriously away from dating and men I don't know in general. The troublesome old flame continued to be troublesome and I've turned back to online dating which finds me chatting to a random bloke who seems nice enough. I can't say I'm confident.
I have enjoyed helping others with dating though, introducing friends and being a wing-woman has been a joyous experience. There's also the other side in which I've seen so many friends have problems and strife in their respective relationships and being free from any such problems myself, it's much easier to be the supportive one on a more in-depth level.
So this is dating? No wonder there's such a lucrative career to be made from sex and relationship advice. I have a new-found respect for those who throw themselves into the dating world with full rigour because if your experiences are anything like mine, you must be infinitely more patient than I can ever proclaim to be.
I'd like to thank the men I have dated who were nice enough to have just received an honourable mention in this blog. I think there were only 4 of you throughout the entire year. You are to be commended, you're pretty cool guys and I'm glad to have 2 of you as friends now.
I also want to give massive props to my chums for their excellent retorts, advice and kind words. This story would read differently without their comments because in all seriousness, a lot of this stuff just shouldn't be happening. My posts were written with humour on the most part but many of the things that happened were far from funny. I genuinely needed the support of mates at times and perhaps my Facebook 'moans' look less like a need for reassurance because I managed to summon a sense of humour that wasn't at all times present. Friends rule and so does reaching out to them.
Here's to seeing in 2014 as a single gal! :)